Masterpiece in My Mind, Mess on the Page

Failed Inktober Before it Even Begun

Oct 11, 2024

Hello! Are you doing Inktober? 😁

Do you know what my biggest enemy is? My own mind.

Every day, new ideas flood in, sketch animal studies, try out some new watercolors, maybe even experiment with something different entirely.

In my head, it's all perfect. Almost too perfect. Everything's already laid out, how I should sketch it, the exact way it should look. The colors, the strokes, the details... all of it. It's a masterpiece up there.

But the moment I try to bring it to life? Disaster strikes.

What ends up on paper looks nothing like what I imagined. Not even close, not by a millimeter. And that... stirs up a storm of feelings: sadness, anger, failure, and sometimes much worse.

Why can't I just draw what I see in my mind? It shouldn't be that hard, right? But here's the thing, I'm picturing perfection. A level of skill I'm nowhere near yet, and maybe, if I'm honest, a level I might not reach for a long time. And when I set my expectations that high, it's a recipe for disappointment. I keep putting pressure on myself, and most of the time, I end up giving up.

Sad story, I know.

I just don’t want those bad feelings anymore. The frustration, the sense of failure. I wish it was easier to let go of that weight and just enjoy the process for what it is. A slow, imperfect journey.

Not everything has to be perfect. Not everything needs to be a fully polished illustration ready to sell. Sometimes, it just needs to be me and my art, having fun together, experimenting, making a mess without the pressure.

I’ve always felt like I've failed at everything I’ve put my mind to. So this time, I just want to succeed. But this habit of putting things off... it’s a battle. A long journey, but one I’ll finish someday, if I can only learn to stop listening to the darkest corners of my mind.

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🍂 Art Journey

Inktober begins every October 1st, and for years, it’s been my goal to participate and complete the challenge. But, as always, I tend to fall short. Every year, I start strong, only to lose momentum after about four days. Maybe it’s because I push myself too hard, tackling advanced drawings that drain my energy before I can really get into the flow.

This year, though, I was determined. I had planned it all out: I’d chosen four prompt words in advance, gathered my references, and was ready to tackle Inktober head-on. Everything was set.

But then life decided to throw a curveball. On the very first day, I had an appointment at the psychiatric clinic. I went, of course, because it was important, but by the time I returned, I had a splitting headache and felt completely drained. That one day of interruption, that single blip in my routine, made everything feel like it was crumbling. I felt like I had failed before I even began. It’s always like that for me, one day off track, and it’s hard to pick up the pieces. Inktober, for this year, seemed over before it had a chance to start.

In case you’re wondering, the meeting at the clinic went well. Nothing official yet, but I’m hopeful. I’m not letting this go; I need help to understand my ADHD better and manage my days more effectively. I want to keep growing and working on myself.

Despite the false start, I’m still clinging to the idea of creating something for the "Scarecrow" prompt. I’m thinking of doing it traditionally, using watercolors, but before that, I’ll need to gather some references and play around with thumbnails. Inktober may not have started the way I planned, but I’m not giving up entirely, not yet.

For my bison sketch, the focus was to be lose with the fineliner. And then lose with watercolors. Urban sketching style. But also following what David Colman is teaching in his course.

I also giving Rebelle 7 another shot. It took m e years before I started to enjoy drawing in Affinity. Bet its the same here too.

And I give you another little autumn drawing, based of my own reference. The reference is part of the September Pack.

🍂 Adventures

On September 22nd, 2024, I embarked on a small but memorable journey with my father aboard an old rail bus. My dad, a former train driver, had worked on the very same tracks before I was even born, which added a layer of nostalgia to the trip.

As the train rattled along, I couldn't help but regret not bringing my GoPro to capture the moment. I had my camera, but taking photos on a moving train just wasn’t working out.

The railcar itself was a relic, built in 1953, tiny seats, no legroom, and air that felt trapped, making it unbearably hot. I couldn't imagine how people managed to travel in these back in the day. It made me appreciate how far modern trains have come.

Despite the discomfort, the scenery was breathtaking. The trees were just starting to change color, hinting at autumn’s arrival. I wish I had more photos, but for now, the memory will have to do.